How was August?
I do hope everything’s alright. After your departure, somethings within me has awakened and I guess, I do have a small note for you.
Thanks for being far sighted. Remember bawling my eyes out after that epic day and it still breaks my bone when I think about it. Tears uncontrollably streaming out, I’ve never felt so lost. Losing myself in your room, I was really really upset. I never thought anyone could cry so much. Crying and screaming and dwelling in my own pathetic pool of tears you were there. Every time I think about the entire incident, how close but how far? It scotches my heart. As if you were allergic to it like how you were to pollen and fur you shunned the topic far behind your head.
Thanks for giving me every opportunity you never had. When it came to learning, you never did compromise anything for us – regardless we had the privilege or not. I remember 2am moments; you outside the room, teeth clenching onto bottles and hands gripping bills. Even when I was terrible at it, you smiled; as if we were totally fine. It’s as though you were trying to give every little inch you could possibly juice out just for us.
Thanks for being strong. These things to us, it’s never normal. Never have been and never will be. Those screams and knocks on the door? Sleeping on the sofa every two days and you sneezing because of your allergy. Nobody ever learns how to adapt unless they are forced. And I know whenever you look at us, you get reminded a little of him; and I can never blame you for that. You took comfort in our smiles and everything else we give you – which was so mediocrely tiny compared to what you’ve done for us.
Thanks for always caring. Even when I rejected it. Even when I was obnoxious. Even when I took it for granted. Your love. The only thing I truly ever had. I almost threw it out of the window. Does it really take someone to lose something before they cherish it?
And I want to say I’m sorry Mum. For ever leaving you behind; thinking I was striving for something obviously foolish to you. For ever doubting your actions, finding every possible mistake within you to find reason in myself. For ever thinking you never really loved me, when everyday from the moment you opened your eyes, your world was about us. And you never did have your own…